Every once in a while I go get a pedicure because my “feet” are . . . hooves, due to a childhood spent going barefoot on lava. This was during the Pleistocene Era. No, not molten lava — that would have been painfully untenable, duh — but close enough.
The pedicure places are all super fanc-eh now, with lots of lotions and potions even for the “Basic pedicure.”
The high-end 8-hour pedicures, they’ll just give you a whole new pair of feet (surgically). But the lower level, they bring out various food-type items and some pretty weird automotive-use shit.
Oh. And when you first sit down in the massage chair, they hand you a leather-bound Pedicure MENU. The selections therein range from “Basic Pedicure,” which they describe (intentionally) so as make you feel like a cheapskate lowlife for even considering. This is the one I chose.
BASIC PEDICURE: “This is our very cheapest option, for those in a ‘hurry’ and who really DGAF about their ‘feet’ – $35. You disgust us, but you just do YOU.”
The “basic” pedicure’s a 10-minute soak in scalding water, with the technician making faces at you. They’ll always ask if the water temp is ok.
Me: (screaming) “It’s scalding hot! I think I just lost a toe in the basin!” Tech lady made it hotter.
Tech Lady: “Toe unnecessary, no discount for 9 toes, you cheap lady.”
Me: “I feel pampered.”
She tossed in a dollop of Dawn dishwashing liquid while I tried to figure out how to make the “massage chair” stop pounding my spine (“knocking?”). I chose “fap” at first (lost a filling in a tooth), then settled on “knead.” I’ve just never been good at deciphering icons.
Obviously the BASIC pedicure is not what they want you to order. So I recommend you consider upgrading a few notches, because public shaming works.
As you examine the upgrades on the menu, the names and descriptions become more WITAF as the prices increase. Someday, perhaps for a special occasion, like my pending cremation, I do want to try the “Blissful Ocean Breezes Pedicure.” From the menu:
BLISSFUL OCEAN BREEZES PEDICURE
Treat yourself to our most popular upgrade!
Blissful Ocean Breezes includes everything in our BASIC, PLUS, and EXTORTION pedicures, but we’ll ALSO scrub ONE of your legs with road salt, applied using a whole octopus from HEB. – $135.”
There is only one more (highest) level pedicure you can get. Of course I mean The Works pedicure.
The WORKS PEDICURE ($450, 8 hours) includes: “Everything our Blissful Ocean Breeze and Guava-Papaya 10-40 Oil Harmony Chakra-Reset Pedicure has, PLUS: A vigorous ham steak exfoliation rub on BOTH legs, to soothe skin and restore moisture, perfect for weddings and other special occasions. Flower petals made of tissue paper, that serve no purpose whatsoever (I asked) are tossed into the basin with the scalding hot water, to start. The tissue disintegrates instantly and clogs the drain making a lovely purplish soaking water. Calluses are removed with a Saws-All for the smoothest feet ever.”
Note: Regardless of which level you choose, there is NO extra charge for some things. Your technician will 1) make sniggering comments about your toe corn and 2) laugh out loud at your weird big toe (or your remaining weird little toe, if you prefer, after all, it’s YOUR special day). The comments are spoken loudly in foreign languages to other employees who pass by periodically.